The broken heart heals..forgive

For·give

/fərˈɡiv/

*verb*

-1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake:

As I prepared to write this blog, my thoughts were, "How much time do you have? And where do I even start to unpack this?!" The topic is heavy, and anything I say in this blog must be helpful and insightful. So, where do I start?

A quick prayer perhaps?

Lord, thank you for your grace and your perfect example on this topic. Lord, decrease me and you increase. Speak clearly to your daughters and let these words be edifying, encouraging, and full of hope. Lead them to you for guidance. God, whatever the offense, remove the burden from us, for it is not ours to carry. Bring to light those things we've buried deep in our souls and break their hold on us once and for all. Free us from the shame, guilt, resentment, and bitterness we may be holding onto, and send a refreshing to our hearts. Give us the strength and the courage to let go and live free of its power. Let it be the moment we say amen. In Jesus' most precious name, amen.

Forgiveness will not look the same for everyone. Forgiveness is the bridge from pain to peace; walk it for yourself. Do not allow someone else's finish line to be the basis of your expectations. No journey of forgiveness will ever look the same. We all learn differently, we all heal differently. The process is personal, not comparable.

Where do I start, you ask? Forgiveness starts with the acknowledgment of the hurt and emotions you are experiencing. You must first get to the root of this pain! Recognize the feelings this pain may have caused you, like resentment or anger, then accept the hard truth that you have been wronged.

You've accepted these things, now let's try empathy. This part is one of the hardest because it forces you to take the attention off yourself and your pain and look at the other person's perspective. This is solely for understanding potential motivations, not justification and excuses. Sometimes you need a "why"; this is how you get it. One of the best steps you can take is accountability for any role you may have played in your own hurt, even if it was unintentional. That last step is hard, but this is why the next one is important: be kind, be gracious, and be loving with yourself. Claiming to be self-aware by only focusing on your flaws and negative traits while ignoring your strengths and positive qualities is not self-reflection but self-hate.

Finally, choose to forgive. Be intentional and show kindness by letting go of the resentment and negativity associated with the hurt. It's easier said than done but doable. It does take being intentional and self-reflection. I have much experience with this; this isn't an easy subject for me either. So as I type this, I'm writing to myself as well. Here is my experience with forgiveness.

Forgiveness for me looked like years of avoidance. For me, that meant avoiding my grandmother. I held much bitterness and anger toward her. I hated her. It was like—no, it was the fact that she didn't take accountability for how her actions shaped my life. So we had a form of a relationship where we talked by default, but we were not close at all. Our relationship at best was surface level or one-sided. Yes, safe to say it was complicated.

When I was growing up, my mother and I were very close from the start. I was emotionally secure and safe. We would talk for hours about her goals and what she wanted for herself and our little family. We were close, to say the least. She loved me, and I knew it. I felt it. The love was shown, and I never questioned it. When I was 10, she was murdered, and my grandmother began to raise me.

That did not look like it should have or maybe the way I expected it to be. I have good memories from my childhood. I opened gifts at Christmas, I traveled to different states, I've been to amusement parks, and those memories are forever cherished. These moments, occasions, and memories filled with joy, love, and laughter were a small fraction of what childhood was like. The actual norm was filled with tears, yelling, and beatings—not just with a belt, I mean fist to face, hand to cheek, bloody noses, and black eyes. Those were the moments when every memory of love from my mom began to fade. Those were the moments when love and affection were a thing of imagination. There is discipline, then there's abuse. For me, it was the second one. My abuser was my grandmother. She never apologized; she never acknowledged any of it. I was left to feel rejected, insecure, unlovable, and I developed anxiety.

I harbored it, so again, for me, it was avoidance. I'd talk to her but always in the back of my mind hated her. The thought of her being praised by her church family sickened me. Once I left from under her, I tried everything in my power to stay away, which turned into learning what it meant to survive! Let's pause here because this could turn into a seven-page blog, but we will revisit this.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain

In 2018, I began seeing a counselor, and I began having deeper conversations with my grandmother. I began to learn her, understand her—not excuse her for the mother she was or lack thereof, but more so I got my answers. I started to learn that people can't give what they don't have. She too was abused, not just by her parents but by men. She was never shown compassion, so she had none. She was never shown love and affection, so she had none. I began to see her truly. She started taking accountability. She began to explain herself. She began to speak more openly about her past, and I began to see that she too needed to heal. I began to heal with God and my counselor. I felt free, and I chose to forgive her, even forgave myself for self-destruction. That's the beauty of healing. My perspective shifted, and in my early 30s, we began to have a real relationship, intentionally hanging out, spending hours on the phone. But in February 2022, we had a real breakthrough, and I realized I too owed her an apology for all the resentment, hate, and bitterness I had toward her. I chose to not only forgive but breathe. I can say I love this woman, my grandmother. She's my friend as well, but once upon a time, she was the root of my pain.

What did I gain? Peace, a grandmother, a relationship I longed for, and the literal meaning of this quote: "To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smeds

I gained freedom.

Now, this also took Jesus. His words spoke and still speak very clearly on this topic. We must pray it, meditate on it, and let him lead and guide us throughout this whole process. I want to leave you with these verses. My prayer is that they help you like they helped and are still helping me.

Colossians 3:13 NIV

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Mark 11:25 NIV

And whenever you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your father in heaven may forgive you.

Matthew 18:21 NIV

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to 7 times?

For·give

/fərˈɡiv/

*verb*

-1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake: